I shut everything down for awhile, because I needed to focus. You see, I have never truly had a job this serious before. Subsequently, I didn’t anticipate the momentary fear I felt when I realized that my life was no longer just about me.
Something transformative happens when you accept the duty and responsibility of looking after someone else’s mind and safety. Once it happens, you can’t go back.
I don’t even know who I am when I am at work. It’s like I turn into this ultra serious human being- one I didn’t quite know existed. I’ve seen flashes of her before - at certain times, but she’s still foreign to me.
When someone shares their mind with you, you truly care. Then, this same person trusts you to protect it. Thus, I see the urgency and importance of this, and I then conduct myself in accordance.
Sometimes, I feel like I’m being cold to my colleagues. But at the same time, we are there to serve the community. There is no time, or at least I have not a second, for bullshit.
Besides that, I’ve decided to revisit a journey I began when I was 16, but couldn’t quite deal with at the time.
Disclaimer: what I’m going to write pretty much sounds insane. I am agnostic, though I have always leaned towards the belief of reincarnation. Thus, anything I am about to write is simply a raw and in depth exploration of the deepest parts of the psyche. Whether past lives exist or not, each of us can still benefit from this information.
To sum it up briefly, ever since I was a small child, I was quite masochistic. One of the first emotions I ever remember feeling was … guilt. I felt guilt before I could truly even comprehend the depth of it.
At the time, I was extremely depressed. When I shared this with my counselor, she proposed a spiritual interpretation. Perhaps I was feeling guilt from a past life.
Deep down, I think I always knew. Despite doing some research, and even finding out who I would have likely been, I stopped exploring it. I was starting to have memories of a time I never existed in. Obviously, this terrified me.
Since getting into meditation, I find that the hypnotic state of it would trigger some of these memories. I then looked into hypnosis, and what followed was an unanticipated rush of feelings, flashbacks- overwhelming in nature.
The one I am grappling with the most, is the memory of what would have been my death.
I know that I was forced to kill myself - to take a pill. Once I take it, I am choking on the air. Even though I can feel the sensation of it filling my lungs, I cannot breathe. It is as though the air is now water, and I am drowning in it.
However, that isn’t even the scariest part.
The freaky thing is, I made a connection to when I was a child, and I was terrified of pills. I nearly needed to be held down in order to take my medicine. I was convinced I would choke and die, if I took it.