Sometimes: What you believe cripples you, can sometimes propel you, if it’s utilized properly


I have kept steadfast in my commitment to utilize any emotional experience I have for a greater cause, and what's resulted is an ironic sort of inverse. That is to say, the greater the emotional drive, the greater the focus, which then leads to less of that part of my brain being used.

Essentially, I have completely thrown myself into my career, and the pursuit of learning- of pushing my mind, and body, and potential to the limit- whatever that potential is or turns out to be.

As of late, I have also been disciplining myself / training myself to distance and disconnect from my emotions. This distance is important, as it helped me to realize the value of silence- of observing- of saying nothing. Of course, then something happens, or things bubble up- and it refuels me again.

In these moments I feel these strong emotions, I’ve found their intensity to be an incredible energy source. It seems, sometimes, that what can cripple us can also propel us, if used thoughtfully. Often lately, I will push myself beyond my limits- until I am in a shaking state of exhaustion. Yet, somehow, delving deep into that intense emotional headspace gives me raw energy, to keep going. Anyone with mindfuck level emotions, including myself, might as well put them to work.

of course- I am only as detached as I can be. I feel things intensely. I think my excitability baseline will always be higher than normal.

This more detached headspace sometimes leads to greater realizations. I have learned that I really enjoy teaching- specifically- training people just coming into the field. The learning process is just as interesting to observe, as it is to absorb as a student.

in light of this, I am compiling this knowledge, for a book I can eventually share when I have reached the necessary level of credentials to publish it.

There’s an endless amount to learn, and I will never learn it all. But it is worth it to learn to me, if I can one day contribute a slice.

I am starting to realize that there’s more to life than just feeling a lot, which shouldn’t be such a novel idea to me. But I suppose when you’re a feeling based person, you just see things this way. It is good to try to learn to utilize other parts of your brain, because you might shock yourself and find out you’re not horrible at it.